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How does this work?

Wood: The live-in gourmet restaurant for Small Life

Wood was made for Small Life, it seems. If you don’t believe it, ask any Small Life. Here’s a Mold Spore, just hatching. Let’s give him a minute...

Ah, excuse, me, sir. I couldn’t help but notice that you just hatched. Isn’t that wood that you’ve taken root on?

Yes, and it tastes delicious. Excuse me: <munch, munch, smack, lick chops> There; that’s better.

You know, there’s really nothing like wood. It provides both delicious food and comfortable shelter. As I grow buds that become my family, I just eat a new room and they move right in and eat enough more space to make their own living room, bedroom, dining rooms, whatever they want.

So, I take it you have no plans to move on?

Not as long as the wood tastes this good.

But don’t you need moisture? What if the wood dries out?

That’s not too common, in my experience. Once I get established, it seems that there is enough moisture in the wood to keep things comfortable. We all make plenty of spores as we grow, and if the wood really dries out I just go to sleep and my spores carry on.

How does that work?

I and my cousins make spores---they are actually our seeds but you humans call them spores---that are very small. A strong breeze will carry them anywhere. Spider’s feet will pick them up and redeposit them somewhere else. Some of our spores are so small that they float in the air, and may go halfway around the planet. As a matter of fact, there’s a nice mold family from India just around the corner, and some yeasts from Hawaii in the wallboard paper to the left. Could I introduce you?

Perhaps later. Could you tell our readers how Small Life such as yourself decides where to set up house?

Sure. Glad to. There’s basically four things we look for: Air, moisture, warmth and food.

The warmth factor...well, it needs to be above freezing. A few of my cousins are tough enough to live in really cold weather near freezing, but most of us prefer the temperature to be above 50F, perhaps a hundred degrees F or more. Temperature is a tricky thing because when it’s warm then things dry out, and that’s bad. We need moisture in the air or in the walls of our houses in order to survive. The humidity in the air needs to be fairly high, right near us. We need air to breathe, as you do, but moving air carries away our moisture as it dries things out. So, we need a little air, for the oxygen, but not too much; warm, humid stagnant air is generally the best overall balance of things.

The thing about moisture is, whatever we sit on has got to feel damp. That’s important. If it does, we take root and start eating whatever we touch.

If it doesn’t feel damp, I will just stay inside my spore-shell and wait. I don’t really have a sense of time passing, inside. I can wait for many of your years, until I find myself sitting on something comfortable...something damp.

All those things together may not be enough, if the wood or wall-paper tastes bad. Given a choice, any of us would rather set up house in tasteless concrete and live off the random dust in the air that settles in our backyards, than have to eat food that tastes awful.

So, that’s how we decide where to set up house.

You know, all that talking has really worked up my appetite; so, if you will excuse me, <munch, munch, munch, sluuurp, munch, munch. . . . . .>

Well, there you have it, folks: Today’s interview with Small Life. They prefer wood or things made from wood, such as wallpaper. Any porous surface seems a place where they might grow. These tough pilgrims may come incredible distances and set up house anywhere there’s humid air or a humid surface; very courageous, very dedicated, but very discriminating and selective about the taste of things, not just for themselves but for their children: If they land on something that tastes bad, they really don’t want to set up house.